It all started at High school.

I was a curvy girl - not chubby, just grew lady-lumps at a young age.  Didn’t really know what I wanted to do, but just knew it would be creative.  I became aware that I seemed to eat a lot more than my peers, and my rigid lifestyle of 2 injections a day, 3 set meals, 2 snacks and nothing else in the middle was proving to be a bit difficult to handle through my teens and I wanted to live a “freer” lifestyle the same as everyone else.  I spoke to my diabetes nurse who suggested I go on a new insulin regime to help me cope with my “non rigid” teenage lifestyle.  Once I’d changed my insulin from slow-acting to fast-acting, which allowed me to eat a more flexible diet, I realised quite quickly that by reducing the amount of insulin I could reduce the amount I ate. This led to me losing about a stone in weight just by healthy eating, eating a bit less and exercising.   

Unfortunately though my control started to slip, my sugars started to go all over the place and I couldn’t concentrate on my schoolwork, all of which led to low self esteem, added to which my dieting started to turn into an obsession.  People were showing me a lot of attention and I got a lot of compliments about my “new figure” which egged me on to lose even more weight. I remember having my first binge after a hypo which I suppose was inevitable after half starving myself, and so the cycle began: starve, binge, lots of exercise, sugars all over the place. Eventually, I discovered that by missing my injection after bingeing I’d be less bloated the next day.  I discovered this was an even better tool for losing weight than exercise and went on to miss the next morning’s jab, then eventually lunch, then tea, and so on and so on.  Sometimes I’d go for days without injecting myself. I lost lots of weight but felt so ill at times that I felt I couldn’t function properly or concentrate on anything.  My sugars ran so high sometimes that they’d be off the scale. I’d decided that I wanted to go to drama school after leaving school but wanted to work for a few years first. I managed to get a few very good jobs and work my way up the ladder but the diabulimia became worse, and by the age of 18 I was smoking and drinking like all my other friends but without being careful of the kind of alcohol I was drinking. I’d drink really sugary drinks, and, a few times I got myself into such a state that friends had to inject me as I was incapable myself.  My sugar was off the scale when the diabulimia reached its worst.  I was at work one day and went to the toilet and sat down and looked at the floor and thought that if I just lie on the floor now, I’m not going to wake up. 

I felt so poorly, I couldn’t concentrate on my work, I just wanted to sleep and never wake up again.  At one point I felt so low that I contemplated suicide as I couldn’t see a way out of the mess I’d got myself into.  The only thing stopping me was my mum and family and I couldn’t do that to them.  So I went to the doctor’s and confessed everything.  She immediately referred me to hospital where I saw (over a period of time) 2 different psychiatrists. I didn’t feel as if I was making much progress, but persisted with my diabetes clinic (even though one doctor told me I’d die if I didn’t start injecting myself and give up smoking). It was very difficult as the condition was hardly recognised within the medical profession at the time. 

Eventually my GP referred me to a lovely psychologist who specialised in eating disorders and who made the effort to do some research on diabetes and food.  Together we unravelled the mess I’d got myself into.  She left and a lovely man took her place. He worked with me until I felt I was ready to go alone.  I had to learn how to be a diabetic again and learn how to have a good relationship with food.  I decided to take a less stressful job and pursue my arts in my spare time.  Unfortunately, a few years after I felt free of the diabulimia, I lost my sight due to diabetic retinopathy.  I was 23.  There were 2 things I could do, I thought - sink or swim.  I’d felt I’d been through so much that I couldn’t possibly let this beat me.  I had a succession of laser treatment and operations over a couple of years and now I’m left with a bit of vision in my left eye.  A year or so after losing my sight, I was offered a lead role in a musical and haven’t looked back. Since that role, I’ve chosen to do all the things diabulimia stopped me from doing - I see that as the disability.  I feel I’ve been given a second chance and feel lucky to be here and be able to look after my body which enables me to carry on as a professional performer and live a full and happy life.  Going blind at the age of 23 has been very difficult as you have to start from scratch  and have to learn to be independent in a different way from someone who has sight, and it takes a long time, - but I can honestly say it’s not as difficult as getting through an eating disorder with type 1 diabetes.  It’s just a matter of taking things one step at a time, one day at a time and never losing hope.

It’s been a tough road, but I’ve learned to respect my body and work in harmony with my diabetes. I do everything I want to do now as I don’t ever see anything as a barrier – I just try and work out a sensible strategy for tackling a certain challenge.  Alongside my music and acting work, I’ve just set up a company to customize white canes for the partially sighted and blind to give them the facility to have a unique cane that nobody else has! And these days, I manage to keep my HBA1C below 7.Oh, and at this moment in time, - I love my lady-lumps and am extremely grateful for them!