The fashion industry is often blamed for the rising rate of eating disorders diagnosed in young women. It’s become clichéd for media sources themselves to point fingers towards skinny catwalk models, celebrities or size zero focused designers.  Gossip magazines and even newspapers frequently include articles berating  too-slight supposed ‘role models’ such as Victoria Beckham or Cheryl Cole, claiming they are bad examples. The irony of this is often apparent as you turn the page to be faced  with a new  “get fit for summer” or  ”lose 7lbs in 7 days!” low calorie meal plan.

This year saw an influx of emaciated bodies return to London’s catwalks, just a year after it seemed we had been making progress towards using healthier examples. Underweight models such as Chloe Memisevic, Martyna Budna and Hannah Hardy were held up as evidence for this fact. The Daily Mail ran a particularly sensationalist article post fashion week pretty much solely blaming them for eating disorders. 

In my opinion, they are looking in the wrong direction. Eating disorders cannot be pinned down so neatly. Kate Moss does not cause anorexia. Unrealistic ideals regarding body shape and size in today’s society are undoubtedly damaging. In a culture where thin equals good and anything beyond that means bad, it is understandable that the pressure to be a certain size has become commonplace amongst women. However, anorexia, bulimia, and ED-DMT1/Diabulimia are about a hell of a lot more than just weight in most cases. Usually there are various complex issues underlying someone’s need to starve themselves, induce vomiting, take laxatives or omit insulin. Such destructive measures are about deep internal feelings and individual beliefs. The image of the latest perfume advert containing a long limbed, skinny model may be used as a catalyst by an eating disorder sufferer to feel bad about themselves, ammunition if you like, but the roots certainly often lie much, much deeper than that.

However, as someone with an active eating disorder I have realised that I use the influence of the fashion industry and media in a slightly different way. I use it as an excuse. I watched the likes of Chloe Memisevic, who was described by Deborah Orr at The Guardian as “ an example of the wasted, bones-only aesthetic that the mavens cannot resist,” with awe and a lot of anger. Why was she allowed to look like that and I couldn’t?

Or I could but it wouldn’t be acceptable. I couldn’t work, I certainly would not be able to parade around as something to aspire to. Additionally of course, there is always the threat of hospital. It is not normal for me to exist like this, so why was it seen as okay for her to? I became frustrated with the times I have been thrown into in-patient facilities and threatened with sections at low weights. Yes, some models can be naturally very thin, but jutting hit bones, wrist tendons and grey skin are very much signs of the contrary. To me, it feels like one rule for them, and one rule for me.

I know it is something I need to come to terms with. I need to be able to accept that this is not a healthy weight for me and to avoid comparing myself to anyone else. But it is difficult, and I wish this didn’t have to be the way things were. Size zero culture is not to blame for the manifestation of my eating disorder, but it helps me in maintaining it, such ideas agreeing with the sick, irrational part of me. It is not right or acceptable that this is the case.